


ruined me

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Songfic, taylor swift cuz she my fave white girl, the boys arent there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-27
Updated: 2013-03-27
Packaged: 2017-12-06 15:56:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/737482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which zayn reminisces about how much he and liam once were but they're nothing anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ruined me

**Author's Note:**

> Songifc to Tay-Tay's "All Too Well" because love her and that song

**_I walked through the door with you  
The air was cold but something 'bout it felt like home somehow _ **

_Zayn trails in after Liam, his nerves in a twisted mess and he’s clinging to Liam’s hand. The gust of wind that is Ruth’s home hits him and there it is there’s that familiar smell of cookies and milk. He uses his one hand to tug his scarf so it’s fitted around his neck better because it’s kind of cold. There’s squealing and laughing and Zayn bites his lip because the affection he has for these people that aren’t even blood related to him but might as well be is too much._

_“You okay?” Liam asks before he steps into the foyer where everyone’s at,_

_“I’m fine.” Zayn says smiling at Liam… his Liam with the big puppy dog eyes, curly hair and the scruff. The birthmark on his neck that Zayn had marked over so many times before but god Zayn can never get enough of touching Liam and feeling him._

_“Let’s go in yeah?” Liam asks smiling, the crinkles behind his eyes folding and becoming more pronounced and Zayn’s stomach swoops and he sighs with content,_

_“Let’s.” And they walk in, they’re met by squeals and “Zayn’s!” and “Liam’s!” And Zayn will catch Liam smiling at him and it’s all so pretty and just so beautiful and even in a crowded room like this Liam can still reach out to him and squeeze around his heart._

**_And I left my scarf there at your sister's house  
And you still got it in your drawer even now_ **

_They’re both in Liam’s room, making out and giggling like two teenage girls who have no idea what they’re doing. Everything’s so familiar and Zayn curls his hand around Liam’s neck,_

_“Kiss me, you fool!” He cries laughing and Liam lands a kiss on his lips and they’re both so silly it’s fun,_

_“Anything for you.” Liam says giggling and it’s light-hearted but Zayn can feel the lingering truth behind those words. He wonders if it’s safe to feel like this for someone who’ll probably be gone in a couple of years but he doesn’t want Liam to be gone._

_Liam makes a beeline for his neck but then Zayn giggles because his fucking scarf is in the way and he runs a hand through Liam’s curls,_

_“Patience.” He says softly and Liam looks up at him with those doe eyes and he smiles. Zayn thinks that Liam Payne has the nicest and most real smile he has ever had the pleasure of witnessing,_

_“I never really learned that trait.” Liam says slowly taking Zayn’s scarf off and Zayn is instantly met by the cold air,_

_“Ruth keeps it so cold in here.” Zayn murmurs and Liam laughs going over to his drawer where he stuffs the scarf in,_

_“Maybe she’s trying to send us a message.” Liam mutters then kisses him. Cookie-flavored lips are met with nicotine and cake flavored ones because Ruth was forcing Zayn to taste her cake._

_“I really like you Zayn.” Liam whispers in his ear and Zayn chuckles,_

_“I really like you too Liam.” He replies and gone are the giggling and silliness, now it’s meant with stillness a perfect calmness that creates restlessness in Zayn’s bone and a craving for a certain brown haired, brown eyed boy._

_“Kiss me again please?” Zayn asks softly and Liam’s hand curls around his waist,_

_“You never have to ask babe.” He says and well… Zayn’s gone now, so far gone._

_**Oh, your sweet disposition** _   
_**And my wide-eyed gaze** _   
_**We're singing in a car getting lost Upstate** _

_“Li, where are we even going?” Zayn asks as Liam starts up the car and Justin Timberlake fills his ears because his boyfriend is a shameless fan boy. Liam looks over at him and smiles,_

_“I don’t really know, long as I’m with you its okay I suppose.” He says and Zayn knows it’s cheesy but he smiles anyways and he thanks god for his dark skin complexion because his face is hot,_

_“You’re such a cheese head Liam Payne.” Zayn replies resting his head on the window and jiggling his leg. Liam’s hand finds his knee and Zayn smiles,_

_“You reflect in this heart of mine if you ever feel alone.” Liam sings softly as he continues to drive, the leaves of Autumn fluttering around them out the window. Zayn turns his head and looks at Liam and smiles as his boyfriend continues to sing,_

_“Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go.” Liam sings and this time Zayn joins him, and Liam is blushing like mad and Zayn is hiding his face. They continue singing and there comes a point where it’s like Liam is serenading him and Zayn is feeling really shy,_

_“You’re so ughh!” Zayn says but it’s all in good fun and Liam says,_

_“You’re so perfect.” Zayn bites his lip and looks out the window again. The Wolverhampton city-side is passing them by and Zayn turns and looks at Liam with wide eyes,_

_“Li really where are we going?” Liam smiles,_

_“I don’t really know to be honest.” He says and Zayn stares at him and shakes his head,_

_“You know you’re really ridiculous sometimes Liam Payne.” Liam grins and shrugs,_

_“Oh well get used to it. You’re going to be seeing a lot of me.” Zayn rolls his eyes but his stomach flutters at the thought of Liam being around for more than a year and he thinks of actually dropping the three words and he also wonders when he became such a sap but he doesn’t really think it’s particularly a bad thing._

_Not when Liam’s looking at him like that, certainly not that._

**_The autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place  
And I can picture it after all these days_ **

Flash back to present time and Zayn’s walking down the street, going to the gas station to get some cigarettes and the red, orange and brown leaves on the big ugly sycamore trees flutter down and some even land in his hair. Zayn watches them all crisp and fresh like something is supposed to be different.

Everyone says that he needs to get over it but he’s still stuck on them and it makes his heart ache thinking about how long ago that time was. How long ago they were because well he was foolish and young and he truly believed that he and Liam were forever.

He blames it on all the Nicholas Sparks he read that Autumn.

What hurts the most though is the fact that nothing of the memories with Liam are blurred. They’re all burned in his memory like everything happened yesterday even though it was some time ago.

He remembers Liam smiling and the way his hand slotted perfectly and maybe they were two imperfect puzzle pieces fitting together in the most abnormal ways. Liam with his big happy family and the sisters and the house that smelled of cookies and he contrasted to Zayn who was all rough edges on the outside but soft like pudding on the inside. Who hadn’t even spoken to his small family in so long but it just made it all so much better… not the missing family part, not that but them.

He remembers Liam’s lips that always tasted like cookies finding his and his ghost fingers brushing against Zayn’s body and sending a shock of pleasure or love or whatever the hell he was feeling that day run through him.

He remembers and that… that’s the toughest part of the aftermath.

**_And I know it's long gone and that magic´s not here no more  
And it might be okay, but I'm not fine at all_ **

Zayn Malik knows a lot of things okay. He knows that 12x12 is 144, Liam Payne is obsessed with FRIENDS and he also knows that there is no longer _LiamandZayn._ He knows that things don’t always work out and people leave and it’s nobody’s fault but the distance. Sometimes you’ll be so close to someone but it feels like your hours and days and planets apart.

And he understands and knows that. He also knows that there’s no longer love and peace in the air or whatever bullshit his former dumb teenage self thought there was when Liam was there.

He knows that things will get better and his bruises will soon heal into something called battle scars and he’ll tell the story about the boy with the brown eyes who never really did anything wrong per se but you know, Zayn’s a complicated person.

But even with the knowledge of all these things he’ll still hear Justin Timberlake and his heart will break a little bit more and it’s like he’s made of fine Chinese glass and every time he falls to the floor he crumbles again, smashing everything into smithereens and going back to square one.

He knows and he understands and he gets things, doesn’t mean he’s fine with them.

**_Cause here we are again on that little town street_ **   
_**You almost ran the red cause you were looking over at me** _   
_**Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well** _

_This time Liam and Zayn are not upstate and getting lost like dumb, reckless teenagers in love. No this time they’re in a little street in Wolvo with not much cars around and it’s silent and well Zayn’s kind of angry but he knows he’s being unreasonably angry. Plus his anger is directed at Liam which is something he hates because Liam is just, Liam is too perfect and too Liam to get angry at._

_“Zayn… she’s just a friend you know that.” Liam says softly and Zayn knows that but he’s always had well… insecurities because Liam still talks to his ex-girlfriend and they’re friends._

_She’s a family friend and it makes Zayn sick to his stomach when he’ll look for Liam and find him speaking to her, laughing and Zayn will feel everything in him break. (Chinese glass remember)._

_“I know.” Zayn says stubbornly and Liam sighs,_

_“Then why are you doing this?” He asks Zayn putting a hand on his knee and rubbing it comfortingly. Zayn doesn’t really mean too or anything but he pushes Liam’s hand off and he doesn’t look at Liam when he does it._

_They’re both silent for some time and Zayn can feel Liam looking at him from his peripheral vision and suddenly Liam is hitting the breaks and Zayn realizes they almost passed a red light._

_Zayn rolls down the window because he needs some air and not the overbearing thickness in the car. The brittle autumn air hits his face and blows through his hair and he closes his eyes and knows that he’ll never be able to forget this day._

_He feels his anger slowly rolling off like a stone down a smooth hill and he looks over at Liam who’s looking at him. He gives him a soft smile,_

_“Watch the road.” He says and Liam grins,_

_“I love watching you though.” Zayn smirks,_

_“I love not dying though.” Liam laughs and turns his head so he’s facing the road and when Zayn sits back down Liam’s hand finds his knee and Zayn puts his hand over it too and he thinks: I love you. But he doesn’t say it._

_**Photo album on the counter** _   
_**Your cheeks were turning red** _   
_**You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed** _

_“Oh my god.” Zayn says when he sees the picture sitting on the nice countertop in the living room of Liam’s house. He turns and finds Liam blushing like mad and Zayn giggles,_

_“Liam you were so adorable!” He cries and Liam shakes his head and wraps an arm around Zayn’s waist,_

_“I was a dork.” He mutters and Zayn laughs, fingers thumbing over the nice picture of Liam in all his glasses glory. Ruth walks in at that exact time and she laughs,_

_“Oh my god Liam hates that picture!” She crows and Liam groans,_

_“Do not start.”_

_“He used to be so cute though, Zayn! He never had 20/20 vision and he always wanted Harry Potter glasses before Harry Potter was even like cool.” Ruth gushes and Zayn turns his head so he’s facing Liam, who’s shaking his head miserably,_

_“I hope you die in a fire, Ruth.” He mutters and she laughs,_

_“He used to have this twin bed with like Toy Story sheets too and he was probably the most adorable thing ever.” Ruth keeps talking and Zayn laughs,_

_“Still is.” He says and Ruth smiles at them and she pokes Liam in the bum,_

_“This one’s a keeper.” And she smiles at Zayn like he’s getting in on an old family secret and everything in him swells and they both watch her leave,_

_“My little four-eyed Toy Story loving monster.” Zayn whispers affectionately to him and Liam sighs,_

_“I hate her so much.” But it’s said with love and adoration and Zayn loves it all._

**_And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the t-ball team  
You tell me about your past thinking your future was me_ **

_“Oh my god and my little Liam used to look so dapper in his uniform!” Karen is saying, her loud homely voice reaching all around the table and the whole family is laughing. Liam is blushing of course because when isn’t he and he’s shaking his head,_

_“Oh my goodness mother.” He says and she grins,_

_“Hush up; Liam let me tell the story. So he goes on the field with his little bat thing and he just starts swatting at the ball because he’s so determined and the game hasn’t even started yet but he’s the most enthusiastic little boy the world has ever seen!” She crows and Liam looks at Zayn who’s sitting across from him, small smiles playing on their faces._

_“Oh god we have pictures!” Nicola cries and Liam sighs,_

_“Why does everyone insist on ruining my life?” He asks and his great aunt Martha pats his head,_

_“Oh hush dear nobody’s pruning your wife!” The old woman cries and the whole family erupts into laughter and Karen looks at Zayn,_

_“Do you want to see the pictures, Zayn?” She questions and Zayn looks up at Liam, who’s hiding his face and Zayn laughs,_

_“I’d love too.” Nicola’s out of her seat quickly as she goes for the photo album and Karen is talking again,_

_“Don’t worry Liam you were quite handsome.” She says and Liam shrugs,_

_“I was a tiny child with no muscles or hand-eye coordination.”_

_“You were cute!” Nicola and Ruth say at the same time Nicola walks back into the room, manila photo album in hand. Everyone’s already forgotten her food as she starts opening up and showing pictures and Zayn laughs when he sees cute little Liam Payne sitting around a whole bunch of other little boys in their red t-ball outfits and helmets all grinning like it was the best thing in the world._

_“Poor Liam couldn’t see for a long time and he refused to tell me!” Karen cries and Liam blushes again,_

_“I was quite a sight.” He says and Zayn looks at him and gives him a small smile that means a lot more._

_After the dinner they both find solitude in the little patio that Liam has alone and the crickets are chirping and both boys are drinking red wine as Liam talks._

_“I wasn’t the coolest kid you know but I made it through.” He says and Zayn just watches him as he fiddles with Liam’s hand on his knee,_

_“And I was always afraid of like weird things and I don’t know kind of a big nerd.” Liam says smiling at Zayn but Zayn can see the poorly hidden look of the little 8 year old lonely boy he used to be so Zayn reaches over and kisses him on the lips,_

_“You’re perfect.” He says and it’s usually Liam saying it but sometimes Liam needs to hear it,_

_“You’re my future.” Liam replies and he says it like it’s a promise so Zayn doesn’t think about it. He simply closes his eyes and breathes in cookies and Liam._

**_And I know it's long gone, and there was nothing else I could do  
And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to_ **

Zayn’s slowly realizing as time passes that it was neither their faults. He realizes that really their priorities were different and it wasn’t Liam’s fault that he couldn’t pull through sometimes and it wasn’t Zayn’s fault that he needed some attention. There was nothing he could really do but watch what they had worked for, for so long combust and break and just… die.

He was confused for a long time, hell he kind of still is. Everything was going so well and so good and then it just stopped and Liam stopped being able to provide what was needed and maybe Zayn got a little needy and well… what’s he to do really?

And he slowly starts forgetting all the bad things about Liam, like his tendency to be a little too friendly and the way that he didn’t know it but at days he hurt Zayn with just a simple look or a “I don’t want to talk now Zayn, leave me alone.” And all he can see when those bad memories are erased is a boy who did more good than bad.

He realizes it’s not much of a positive to think about your ex and all his good things but it was Liam and Zayn loved him and even if he never got around to saying that it was there… it still is.

And their past is just a past and he can’t rewind time and back up and just make things different, it’s done and all the things that were them are still there. But now they’re locked away for another time.

_**Cause here we are again in the middle of the night** _   
_**We're dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light** _   
_**Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well** _

_Zayn can’t sleep. Liam’s arm is thrown casually around his middle and all he can do is just lay there and think and he doesn’t really want too because he’ll go in too deep. So he slowly slips out from under Liam’s arm and hisses when his bare feet hit the cold hardwood floor._

_He slowly walks down the stairs, making sure to not disturb Liam’s sleeping family and he finally makes it to the kitchen. He doesn’t flip on the light but he leaves the refrigerator door open as he reaches for the milk._

_He slowly takes a cup and pours himself a drink, taking a sip and trying to calm himself. He doesn’t really understand why he’s calming himself down it’s just… Liam and Liam’s family is so big and accepting that sometimes he has to remind himself that nothing is forever._

_He startles when he feels arms wrap around his middle and he turns to find Liam smiling at him,_

_“You scared me!” Zayn hisses and Liam smiles sleepily at him,_

_“You scared me too. Leaving the bed like that.” Liam whispers and Zayn shrugs,_

_“I didn’t want to wake you.” Zayn says softly rubbing his hand up and down Liam’s bicep. He thinks having a fit boyfriend is such a perk because he can admire his naked torso shamelessly without feeling like a voyeuristic pervert._

_“Why were you awake?” Liam questions looking at him and Zayn shrugs,_

_“Couldn’t really sleep.” He replies,_

_“No?” Liam asks and Zayn shakes his head looking up at his boyfriend. Liam stares at him and he rests his chin on Zayn’s head,_

_“You know what always made me fall asleep?” Liam asks softly hands circling Zayn’s wrist tighter now,_

_“What?” Zayn asks,_

_“Dancing.” Liam replies and Zayn scoffs,_

_“Really?”_

_“Yeah c’mon Zayn, dance with me.” Liam says already swaying and Zayn laughs,_

_“Oh my goodness Payne you’re a trip.” He whispers and Liam laughs still swaying and humming some tune. Zayn joins him and soon they’re dancing softly in the kitchen spinning and twirling and soon Zayn does feel like sleeping._

_**And maybe we got lost in translation** _   
_**Maybe I asked for too much** _   
_**But maybe this thing was a masterpiece** _   
_**´til you tore it all up** _

_Zayn remembers when the fighting starts. It’s after the week-long vacation at Liam’s sister’s house and one day when they’re in Liam’s dorm at the university they both attend Zayn brings up living together._

_“I’ve been thinking.” Zayn says and Liam stares at him,_

_“Yes?” He questions and Zayn smiles,_

_“Maybe we could… possibly, move in together?” And he says it like a question and he watches a whole bunch of emotions flicker over Liam’s face._

_“What?” Liam asks and Zayn swallows thickly when he hears the laugh in Liam’s voice because is his boyfriend really laughing at him? Zayn kind of understands why though because well they’ve known each other for four years but Liam was dating Danielle at that time and they’ve been dating for one year and maybe it was too soon but Zayn can’t hide the hurt._

_He crawls off Liam’s lap and Liam watches him. Zayn stands in the middle of the room arms crossed and Liam’s not saying anything and that’s the dumb thing about having a boyfriend who listens well… he never interrupts until you say what you need to say!_

_Zayn could sure use some interruption now but Liam’s just watching him softly so Zayn talks again,_

_“I just thought that… getting an apartment for ourselves would be cool you know. Something to call our own but forget it.” Zayn finally squeaks out and Liam gives him a soft smile,_

_“You want to live with me? Zayn… that’s a big step babe you have to know that. I know that we like do all this domestic stuff and I love it all but living together wouldn’t be a walk in the park.” Liam says softly as if he’s speaking to a child and Zayn rolls his eyes,_

_“Just say you don’t want to live with me Liam, I was just thinking.” Zayn snaps and he knows he’s being childish and asking for way to much then Liam can give right now but his emotions are a mess and why can’t Liam just give him this?_

_“Whoa, whoa calm down Zayn.” Liam says standing up and Zayn backs up and lets out a deep breath,_

_“Look Liam I get what you’re saying but it’s been a whole year of this and I don’t know what you’re scared of.” Zayn says and Liam narrows his eyes,_

_“I’m not fucking scared Zayn stop being a child.” Liam says back and Zayn recoils onto himself because Liam is rarely harsh with him,_

_“Why won’t you give this to me? Why is that so hard?” Zayn questions and Liam shakes his head,_

_“Don’t make this about you, not now. Zayn… I’m not moving in with you okay?” Liam asks but it’s a statement and Zayn feels something in him break and he’s angry and sad at the same time and just… he thought Liam would be so happy,_

_“Can you tell me why?” He asks, “I mean I practically live in your dorm room.” Zayn says and oh god he’s going to start crying he can feel it but all Liam does is move forward and rub Zayn’s arm while kissing him on the forehead,_

_“We’re not ready okay but it’s not you. You’re perfect.” He says but Zayn doesn’t feel perfect. He feels like he’s not enough for Liam and that Liam doesn’t need that living with him, not right now because Liam’s a smart person._

_Liam sits down opening his arms for Zayn to come back in them but like the ‘child’ he is, he turns on his heel and walks out the door, slamming it behind him._

_And after that, the simplest things would set either of them off. Clothes on Liam’s dorm room floor that weren’t Liam’s, Liam talking to Danielle, Zayn refusing to let Liam in, Liam going to fucking clubs with his little frat boy friends and it all became too much and well Zayn blamed it on Liam for a long time._

_If Liam could get over himself and think about Zayn for once maybe they wouldn’t have these problems but Zayn also blamed how quick he was to forgive Liam and just beg him to come back._

_Liam was always the stronger one._

_**Hey you called me up again just to break me like a promise** _   
_**So casually cruel in the name of being honest** _   
_**I'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here** _   
_**Cause I remember it all too well** _

Just when Zayn’s forgetting everything finally, just when he stops passing by Liam’s dorm room hoping for some big fucking love epiphany Liam calls again. Zayn’s been doing so much better; he’s been actually passing classes instead of lying there in his pathetic life.

He actually talks to Louis and Harry and well maybe he thinks he’s going to make it without Liam but then the phone’s ringing.

Zayn doesn’t have his number anymore but he never really needed too because well he had it fucking memorized and those ten numbers are staring at him… taunting him. All he can do is wish and pray for them to go away but they aren’t so Zayn just answers quickly,

“Hi.” He says short and clipped and that is not the voice of someone who is okay. That is the voice of someone who is at the end of the road and just wants the pain of missing someone but not having them to end.

“Hey… I didn’t know you still had this number.” Liam says and he sounds perfect, so put together like he always is because he’s Liam.

“Yeah well… I’m not going to change my number for you Liam.” Zayn snaps and Liam sighs,

“I didn’t call you to argue with you.” Liam says softly and Zayn’s shaking,

“Why’d you call then huh?” Zayn asks,

“Just wanted to say that what we had… it was nice Zayn and I get that we didn’t end on such great terms but you’re more than a memory. We’re over now and we both get that and we each have different people but you were something.” Liam says and the term ‘different people’ is still ringing in his ears,

“What do you mean… different people?” Zayn asks because he knows he hasn’t been seeing anyone because of Liam and maybe Zayn was actually waiting around,

“Oh yeah… Dani and I got back together.” Liam says and it’s so causal, so friendly like he’s talking to one of his frat boys that it kills Zayn like a bullet to the heart.

“Dani?” He asks because no this cannot be it and everything he had is breaking and he’s losing his footing and it’s not okay!

“Yeah… we’re a thing again.” Liam says softly and Zayn feels like his head is going to combust,

“Oh my god, oh my god.” He says and he hears Liam sigh,

“Zayn I know what you’re thinking-,”

“You always smelled like girly perfume… and you just… you cheated.” Zayn says because no, this is not happening dammit!

“I’m clearing the air.” Liam says and the tears are just spilling over as if the Hoover Dam has broken over his eyes and he can’t stop the blubbering,

“And I just I loved you so much Liam and I never got a chance to say it because you were always fucking suffocating me! And then I wanted us to be so perfect and we were going to work and your family loved me… you loved me! How could you do this to me?” Zayn asks wiping his eyes and sniffling to stop the snot and he hears Liam let out a choked sob too and Zayn thinks ‘good, at least he’s hurting too’,

“I’m sorry Zayn… I really am. You have to understand that I did love you but you were just so difficult and I’m just trying to let you know. The cheating was… it was uncalled for Zayn and I’m so sorry.” Liam says and Zayn’s shaking his head,

“Sorry? You’re fucking sorry? I waited around for so long Liam for you to catch up but… it was always her wasn’t it? Because she was beautiful and perfect and… female.” Zayn says,

“What?” Liam asks appalled and Zayn’s not stopping,

“Because you were always scared of being with a guy and that’s why you never wanted to move in together and you rarely let me hang out with your friends.” Zayn says and Liam’s sighing,

“Zayn… stop it.” He says and Zayn just lets out a defeated whimper,

“How could you?” He asks and Liam doesn’t say anything, just breathes and with every breath he takes Zayn’s losing a few.

“Bye Zayn.” Liam finally says and just like that it’s all over and Zayn always said he wanted closure but not like that… never like that.

_**Time won't fly it's like I'm paralyzed by it** _   
_**I´d like to be my old self again** _   
_**But I'm still trying to find it** _

The days muddle along after the phone call and everything is just… grey. Zayn notes with bitterness that it’s Autumn and it hurts just like the beginning. The days seem to grow slower and the pain doesn’t fade this time because there’s that layer of him that was Liam’s and just… Danielle can take it from him like it was so effortless.

He wonders how long this was going on and he thinks about Liam’s family and cookies, he thinks about the taste of his lips and the reassuring hand on his knee. He thinks about that little boy who was just so scared of so many things but he was just never scared of breaking things because that was his specialty.

Zayn tries to remember who he was before Liam came along and took him but he can’t seem to remember. All he thinks of is the sun and the leaves swirling down and making those abnormal puzzle pieces fit and they’ve all broken and now Liam fits with someone else.

He wonders how Liam feels then, he wonders if he’s smiling and Zayn know he is because it’s Liam and he doesn’t hurt as much as others do.

**_After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own  
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone_ **

Zayn remembers waking up in Liam’s arm and searching for anything to throw on and he’d find Liam’s plaid shirts because those were his specialty and it would smell like cookies and like him. He’d touch the mark on his collarbone where Liam had whispered “mine” and he tries not to think about it but he does.

And a week after the whole tragic phone call incident he’s opening the door to find a UPS man giving him boxes and when he opens them he realizes that it’s all his stuff that he had either left at Zayn’s dorm or his sister’s house.

Zayn thinks “coward” because Liam didn’t even have the balls to bring it to him, himself but Zayn also thinks “idiot” towards himself because he kind of wishes that Liam did come.

Zayn also notes that his scarf isn’t in any of the boxes.

_**But you keep my old scarf from that very first week** _   
_**Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me** _   
_**You can't get rid of it, cause you remember it all too well** _

Maybe the thought of Liam having his scarf and keeping it won’t bring Liam back but well it makes him feel a bit better. He wonders if Liam wanders around his drawer and then stumbles upon it and sits and thinks about the week at his sister’s house.

Maybe it reminds Liam of things that Zayn doesn’t know but he knows Liam likes the smell of him because Liam would always say,

“Your smell is so intoxicating.” And the fact that he’ll always be there in a little nook of Liam’s brain is enough to make him want to dance but he just sits on the floor with cardboard boxes surrounding him and sobs wracking his body because Liam Payne has absolutely, positively, without a doubt… ruined him.

_**Cause there we are again when I loved you so** _   
_**Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known** _   
_**It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well** _

_Both of them are sitting in Liam’s room and they’re giggling of course because they are children and Zayn asks,_

_“How do you know when you love someone?” And neither of them are worried yet because they’re not quite in love but they’re getting there. Liam smiles and says,_

_“I don’t know… you’ll find out.” Zayn had wacked him playfully,_

_“Cheese.” He had whispered playfully and Liam had kissed him,_

_“You love my cheese.” He whispers against Zayn’s lips and Zayn laughs,_

_“Is that bad that I love your cheese?” Zayn questions while resting his forehead on Liam’s collarbone and breathing,_

_“I think that you’ve absolutely, positively, without a doubt… ruined me.” Zayn whispers and Liam chuckles,_

_“Feeling is mutual babe.” He replies and they sit in silence for a bit. “I think that you’re… probably what makes me want to be better.” Liam whispers to Zayn this time and they both kind of sit there thinking about how much they had to lose because they were just two kids in very intense like._

_**Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all** _   
_**Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all** _   
_**It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well** _

_The crisp autumn air hits his face and blows through his hair and closes his eyes and knows that he’ll never be able to forget this day._

_“Yeah c’mon Zayn, dance with me.” Liam says already swaying._

_“I think that you’ve absolutely, positively, without a doubt… ruined me.”_


End file.
